| |
| Jokes and other interesting stuffs Thread :) |
« View previous topic :: View next topic » |
| Author |
Message
|
| frusnak |
 Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:54 am Post subject: |
 |
|
CFO
|
If you're drinking something you may want to finish up before you read this one!
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.' George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. Kennedy kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.' The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All Blair did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.
'No!' Bush said. 'I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms tied to stakes over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.
' The devil smiled and said... 'Monica, you're free to go!'
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
| jacobnbr1 |
| Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Investing Manager
|
| Ha! thats a funny un right there... |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| DKnightSr |
| Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Member of the Month
May
|
| Mmmm....love the surprise ending! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| frusnak |
| Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
CFO
|
Thank you! I've been getting some real good political jokes lately. There isn't anything not to laugh at or  about coming out of DC....  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| DKnightSr |
| Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Member of the Month
May
|
So hey....are we the last 3 standing....or is everyone else just quiet?
If it's the former, I declare us the winners! If it's the latter....speak up you guys....we can't hear you! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| DKnightSr |
| Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Member of the Month
May
|
Ok, so this one is a bit long...but worth the time to read...I promise!
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
The guy's response is hilarious, but make sure you read the State's letter, here, first before you get to the response letter.
The Dam
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.! The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on! the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County Dear Mr. Price, Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers. (2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| frusnak |
| Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
CFO
|
| DKnightSr wrote: | Ok, so this one is a bit long...but worth the time to read...I promise!
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
The guy's response is hilarious, but make sure you read the State's letter, here, first before you get to the response letter.
The Dam
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.! The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on! the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County Dear Mr. Price, Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers. (2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS |
Yeah, you gotta keep yours eyes on them Dam Beavers!  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| frusnak |
| Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 3:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
CFO
|
This isn't a joke just interesting...
Only 2 defining forces have ever offered
to die for you.....
Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.
One died for your soul,
the other for your freedom |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| DKnightSr |
| Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 3:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Member of the Month
May
|
| frusnak wrote: | This isn't a joke just interesting...
Only 2 defining forces have ever offered
to die for you.....
Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.
One died for your soul,
the other for your freedom |
Actually Mr Frusnak, a soldier's job is assist THE OTHER GUY in dying for HIS country  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| Helter Skelter |
| Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
Investing Sr. Associate
|
| So this is where your all getting your 10 posts... |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
 |
| Helter Skelter |
| Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
Investing Sr. Associate
|
Ok... Here's something...
Scottish divorce-
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..' |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| Staggs |
| Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 9:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
Investing Sr. Associate
|
Keep the jokes coming! I never was one for telling jokes myself but always enjoy hearing/reading them.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| Helter Skelter |
| Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:10 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Investing Sr. Associate
|
Ok....
Grand opening:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| Helter Skelter |
| Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Investing Sr. Associate
|
One more for now....
Why did chicken cross the road???
-------------------------------------------------
BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change ! The chicken wanted change !
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the oth er side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR.. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won 't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES : I hav e just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
| Helter Skelter |
| Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 10:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
Investing Sr. Associate
|
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in DC: One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and
the third, is from Florida All three go with a White House
official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says,
"I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400
for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300
for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over
to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is
how government contracting works! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
| |
stock market game on the web. At eInvesting you compete for monthly cash prizes while you interact, make virtual dollars, purchase items, and trade in the realistic stock market simulator. We make investing FUN!
