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| Jokes and other interesting stuffs Thread :) |
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| Dave Rathbun |
 Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anyt! hing, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?", I asked.
" They will grow larger over a period of years, " my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn' t it?" |
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| Dave Rathbun |
| Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car." |
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| Dave Rathbun |
| Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
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(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
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(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
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(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
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(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
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(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:35 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 12:26 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f@@king red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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| NCSUPAGE |
| Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Investing Manager
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| Dave, I love the list of Squawks. I wish I could find the list one of my friends sent me recently with some other great ones. Keep it up! |
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| Dave Rathbun |
| Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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This is a funny clip from youtube... it's an internet tech support guy trying to help someone over the phone. If you've ever worked in support, it's really not that far from the truth. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diWiXvvR8HA
If you're going to watch at work, use headphones... |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words,
we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling,
filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water
and be full of crap.
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| NCSUPAGE |
| Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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Investing Manager
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| Nice - Guess that means the college-agers on here are much healthier than our graduated counterparts... |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their
cornbread and beans and some grits, they talk about the latest addition to
their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd tell of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it afore."
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| txga |
| Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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Investing Associate
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| These are too funny LOL!! |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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cowboy and a yuppie
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Californiawhen suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg , Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for theU.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep. .
Now give me back my dog. |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 3:01 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.
When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys
They had come for my wallet*
They wanted my pay*
To give to the others*
Who had not worked a day!*
He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work |
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| bst5017 |
| Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:30 am Post subject: |
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Investing Associate
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| lol...this entire forumn is pretty funny... |
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