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| Jokes and other interesting stuffs Thread :) |
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| akh098 |
 Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 8:58 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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If men truly ran the world . . .
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the *** and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 8:58 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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Nuts
A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.
"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary." |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 8:59 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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You might be a liberal if ...
By Chris Grawburg - You might be a liberal if:
you've ever left your sociology class thinking, "That professor really knows what he/she/it is talking about."
you associate the words "model American" with "Bill Clinton"
you think Dan Rather represents media impartiality
your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, "Well, he's fat."
the first word in the description of your hair color is "neon"
you've ever tried to protect the ozone layer
you've stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals
you've ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor ...ummm ... food
you ever use the words "Clarence Thomas" and "Uncle Tom" in the same sentence
you are a vegan
you have a bumper sticker that says "You Can't Hug With Nuclear Arms" on your car
you believe diversity represents the extinction of the white race
you've ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs
you pay a 185 percent markup for organically grown food
you cheered for "Obstructing Justice Simpson" last Tuesday at 1 p.m.
you don't think it's right to kill rapists and murderers, but do think it's right to kill babies
you have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair
you want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer, despite the fact that cancer kills many more people per year
you have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized
you consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to anything Jesse Helms has to say
you abhor censorship unless it's censoring race, religion, Conservatism, Western culture or Rush Limbaugh
you found yourself unemployed after this past November's election
you're a dope smoker or a womanizer ... oh, sorry, that's "You might be a Clinton cabinet official if ..."
you're the dolt who stole the "Helms '96" bumper sticker from my car
you think the phrase, "... separation of church and state" is in the Constitution
you  , "You can't legislate morality," but defend the Roe v. Wade decision in order to legalize your moral position on abortion
you stay informed by watching MTV News
you have an "I'm Straight But Not Narrow" button pinned to your book bag
there is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears
you think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think condom giveaways are just what schools need
you molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television . . . oops, my mistake again, that's "You might be Mel Reynolds if . . ."
you think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community
you think Jesse Jackson is good at anything
you lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out to get you
you attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or problems in the inner city to Ronald Reagan
you've ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between plastic, which isn't biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down innocent trees
you think the National Organization for Women is made up of average heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda
you're on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women's Cultural Center -- there's a slight chance you're a liberal
you blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-happy "Democrooks" for the huge national debt
banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime (what do you mean punish the criminals?)
you tell me how to live by telling me I can't tell people how to live
And finally ...you think Ted Kennedy is sober and monogamous. |
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| vetelmo |
| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 12:08 pm Post subject: |
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Moderator
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are
Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The
President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so
we call her the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll
call you the People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said.
Later that ! night, he hears his baby brother crying, so
he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds
his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he
goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he
looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with
the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the
Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
s*it." |
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| farooqaaa |
| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 6:51 am Post subject: |
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Investing Associate
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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 12:11 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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| CJ. Wentworth |
| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 4:01 am Post subject: |
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Investing Sr. Associate
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lol
wonder what the ladies think of these ones |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 11:34 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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haha. nice. keep going  |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 11:36 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 11:39 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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You have heard this before but still nice one
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman |
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| NCSUPAGE |
| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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Investing Manager
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^HAHAHA... 
I choose not to comment any further in the best interest of my personal health and safety.  |
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| Im Not Warren Buffett |
| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 10:52 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY! |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 10:56 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 10:57 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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Children Quotes
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they , for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller |
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