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| Jokes and other interesting stuffs Thread :) |
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| frusnak |
 Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:30 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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| Helter Skelter wrote: | Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in DC: One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and
the third, is from Florida All three go with a White House
official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says,
"I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400
for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300
for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over
to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is
how government contracting works! |
How true!  |
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| DKnightSr |
| Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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Member of the Month
May
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| Helter Skelter wrote: | Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in DC: One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and
the third, is from Florida All three go with a White House
official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says,
"I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400
for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300
for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over
to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is
how government contracting works! |
Oh very, VERY good!  I actually laughed out loud at that one! I LOVE IT!!! It sounds like something that would happen back there  |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:40 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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I wanted to start the new year off with a joke so here goes......
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting new countertops.'
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:42 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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OH hell here's another one....
THE SOUTH . . . YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!
TENNESSEE . . .
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the
University of Tennessee , and I need some help. If I were to give
you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my
earrings."
ALABAMA . .
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of s ome kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"
TEXAS . . .
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't
you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
LOUISIANA . .
A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of
the civilized world.
MISSISSIPPI . .
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said
to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"
Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license
number."
GEORGIA .
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper
asked: "Got any I.D.?"
The driver replied: "Bout whut?"
NORTH CAROLINA
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and on e behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem
was.
The man replied: "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to
me neither."
AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . .
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard
of anyone wanting to retire to the North' |
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| DKnightSr |
| Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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Member of the Month
May
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Ok...so I read them all to my wife, and she agrees on the countertops.
So....do I have a problem? |
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| DKnightSr |
| Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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Member of the Month
May
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From Montana Bumper Sticker:
"If it's tourist season, why can't we hunt them?"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxx
A young Airborne hopeful had worked his way through training, running here, running there, everywhere they went they ran. Sometimes for miles!
Finally the big day came for the first jump. The D.I. fell the platoon in and briefed the following:
"Some of you may live today to pin jump wings on your uniform. But only if you survive the 15 mile run to the airstrip, and the 10,000 foot jump that follows. Should ALL of you survive, and bring merit to this platoon...I will have a truck waiting for you to bring you back to the barracks. But if you blow it, we RUN !"
The young hopeful gave his all as they ran the 15 miles to the airstrip. No one fell out. All were successful. After loading on the plane, it seemed it climbed forever before the ready light finally came on. They stood up, hooked up, and as the light turned green the jump master slapped each one on the back to indicate it was time to jump. As the young hopeful approached the door, he felt the slap on his shoulder and leaped from the aircraft.
"One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three" he counted. At one thousand 10 he knew he had a problem. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the D-ring for his back up chute and gave a tremendous yank.
"One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three" he counted. Again he hit one thousand 10, and realized he was about to die.
So he screamed a little, then he cried a little. After praying a little, he finally said "Ah to h_ll with it, they wouldn't have had the truck there anyway". |
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| Helter Skelter |
| Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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Investing Sr. Associate
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| DKnightSr wrote: | A young Airborne hopeful had worked his way through training, running here, running there, everywhere they went they ran. Sometimes for miles!
Finally the big day came for the first jump. The D.I. fell the platoon in and briefed the following:
"Some of you may live today to pin jump wings on your uniform. But only if you survive the 15 mile run to the airstrip, and the 10,000 foot jump that follows. Should ALL of you survive, and bring merit to this platoon...I will have a truck waiting for you to bring you back to the barracks. But if you blow it, we RUN !"
The young hopeful gave his all as they ran the 15 miles to the airstrip. No one fell out. All were successful. After loading on the plane, it seemed it climbed forever before the ready light finally came on. They stood up, hooked up, and as the light turned green the jump master slapped each one on the back to indicate it was time to jump. As the young hopeful approached the door, he felt the slap on his shoulder and leaped from the aircraft.
"One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three" he counted. At one thousand 10 he knew he had a problem. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the D-ring for his back up chute and gave a tremendous yank.
"One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three" he counted. Again he hit one thousand 10, and realized he was about to die.
So he screamed a little, then he cried a little. After praying a little, he finally said "Ah to h_ll with it, they wouldn't have had the truck there anyway". |
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| janzzdave |
| Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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New Poster
Joined: 03 Sep 2009
Posts: 3
This Month: 3
6949.37 e$
Net worth: 6,949.37
Portfolio Value: 0.00
Monthly Return: 0.00%
Trades this month: 0
Churn Rate: 0.00%Items
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These bathroom fans are made out of high quality parts and are put together based on research. There is a lot of technology in Panasonic fans since they have to operate under strained conditions and still ventilate the bathroom properly. And these bathroom fans by Panasonic are made to fit different types of walls and ceilings. As you know, there are different needs to be satisfied and thus Panasonic has a lot of exhaust fans to offer.
_________________
Bathroom fan |
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| janzzdave |
| Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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New Poster
Joined: 03 Sep 2009
Posts: 3
This Month: 3
6949.37 e$
Net worth: 6,949.37
Portfolio Value: 0.00
Monthly Return: 0.00%
Trades this month: 0
Churn Rate: 0.00%Items
|
These bathroom fans are made out of high quality parts and are put together based on research. There is a lot of technology in Panasonic fans since they have to operate under strained conditions and still ventilate the bathroom properly. And these bathroom fans by Panasonic are made to fit different types of walls and ceilings. As you know, there are different needs to be satisfied and thus Panasonic has a lot of exhaust fans to offer.
_________________
Bathroom fan |
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| janzzdave |
| Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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New Poster
Joined: 03 Sep 2009
Posts: 3
This Month: 3
6949.37 e$
Net worth: 6,949.37
Portfolio Value: 0.00
Monthly Return: 0.00%
Trades this month: 0
Churn Rate: 0.00%Items
|
These bathroom fans are made out of high quality parts and are put together based on research. There is a lot of technology in Panasonic fans since they have to operate under strained conditions and still ventilate the bathroom properly. And these bathroom fans by Panasonic are made to fit different types of walls and ceilings. As you know, there are different needs to be satisfied and thus Panasonic has a lot of exhaust fans to offer.
_________________
Bathroom fan |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Sun Dec 06, 2009 6:48 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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| George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call." |
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| ecashew#$@! |
| Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:12 am Post subject: |
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Investing Associate
Joined: 29 Oct 2009
Posts: 40
This Month: 52
1.74 e$
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| When you type einvest.com into your browser it takes you to etrade. |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 12:17 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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| ecashew#$@! wrote: | | When you type einvest.com into your browser it takes you to etrade. |
try einvesting.com
That's no joke! |
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| Avegaille |
| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 3:39 am Post subject: |
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Investing Associate
Joined: 04 May 2010
Posts: 40
This Month: 40
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