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| Jokes and other interesting stuffs Thread :) |
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| Im Not Warren Buffett |
 Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:38 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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Valentines Day was a source of tremendous stress in my life, I personally think its a stupid holiday, if you'll even call it a "holiday". Does anyone have any damage control advice if:
1. the day really sucked
2. its your girlfriend's favorite holiday
3. you won't be seeing her for a while... like weeks. |
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| Benjamin |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 1:17 pm Post subject: |
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Administrator
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| It's the worst when you get in a fight just before you won't see her for a while. Not much you can do. If she works send her flowers at her job so that all her friends will see...plus it'll hit big since v-day is over and things are quiet in that department. |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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Valentines day is a woman's day. If you love her, no matter how you feel about it, you should make it a special day for her. A relationship is all about self sacrificies, for lack of a better term.  |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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Here are some good one liners from my favorite comedian
Rodney Dangerfield's 23 Best One Liners.
1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid... W hen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly... My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor , every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
22. And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother !!!
23. Another new one is " My wife has a weight problem.... whenever I want sex.. she says.. "wait"... |
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| vetelmo |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 8:14 pm Post subject: |
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Moderator
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An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Charger fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Charger fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, ask: "Well, if you're not a Charger fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary!, might you explain why are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco and my
mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan" |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 12:51 am Post subject: |
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CFO
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Here are some to start off the day....
Snappy answers.....
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
But couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
Snappy Answer
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that
reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for
miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."
BONUS Snappy Answer
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
The friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"
Have a great day!!! |
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| vetelmo |
| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:34 am Post subject: |
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Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
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| vetelmo |
| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:43 am Post subject: |
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Moderator
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"Test for Dementia"
"It's that time of year to take our annual dementia test again."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so ... below is a private way to gauge your loss or retention of intelligence..
So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or you still "have it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have responded.
OK, relax, clear your mind and ... begin.
well, MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself or handle sharp objects. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Dr. Seuss. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the hell are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (Please recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyhow, during the flight, one of the engines fails. The pilot, realizing that the remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land?"
Answer: You do not, of course, bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you are a dunce and must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors or something similar," proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, seventeen people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, eleven people get off and sixteen people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. & nbsp; Okay, what was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU driving!
P.S. 95% of people reputedly fail most of the questions! |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:40 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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T-Day
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs." |
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| NCSUPAGE |
| Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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Investing Manager
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there's some pretty funny stuff on here... |
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| Im Not Warren Buffett |
| Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 7:57 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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I think there should be a disclaimer on it, just in case any new people should happen to stumble upon this thread.   |
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| vetelmo |
| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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Moderator
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After a few years of married life, a man finds that he
is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a
few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and
refers him to a psychiatrist! . After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink
confesses, 'I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." So,
finally, the psychiatrist, at his wits ends, refers him to a witch
doctor.
The witch doctor says, 'I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch
doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a
year!! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The
witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and
it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and
just like that, he gets an erection!
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?" |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says "her body hurts, wherever she touches it. "Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her scream.
Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are you?"
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken"
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY.
WHEREVER I GO CHUCKIE GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO! ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL AT
OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN"!!!!!!!!
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| vetelmo |
| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 7:04 am Post subject: |
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