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| akh098 |
 Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:54 pm Post subject: Jokes and other interesting stuffs Thread :) |
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Investing VP
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Nothing like Good jokes. A joke a day keeps doctor away. 
Why Men Are Just Happier People
Why Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Holiday shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45
minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Last edited by akh098 on Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:56 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed area.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off the shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any expose area.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo woo sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out the shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the woo woo sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed |
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| frusnak |
| Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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 So...your not married or have a girl friend ah?  |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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| Quote: | | So...your not married or have a girl friend ah |
Nah . Single and not ready to mingle |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:02 pm Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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?"
Last edited by akh098 on Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:47 am; edited 1 time in total |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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Last one for the day or else moderators will ban me for making so many post 
His And Her Atm Habits
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number
written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake |
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| Dave Rathbun |
| Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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| akh098 wrote: | 40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake |
That was the best part of the entire joke! |
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| Dave Rathbun |
| Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:27 pm Post subject: |
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CFO
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This seems like more of a "boys club" here, so apologies if this joke offends any women that participate here. It's not intended to offend, and I think it's funny.
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'" |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:49 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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nice one dave
A Couple Went On Vacation To A Fishing Resort
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to
read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She
was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and
started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good
morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy
blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: never argue with a woman who knows how to read! |
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| rewood |
| Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:38 pm Post subject: |
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Investing Sr. Associate
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Considering its valentines day ill put up a good way to choose the opposite sex. This is both suitible for women and men
____________________________
A person should look for that special someone that makes them feel special
A person should look for that special someone that treats them right
A person should look for that special someone that is gourgous
But most importantly: This person should make absolutly, positivly, sure that the three they choose never meet. |
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| NCSUPAGE |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:07 am Post subject: |
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Investing Manager
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ba-dump-chii!
that's a bit harsh, man, what would M say about that?...  |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:24 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:29 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"
Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?
Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?
Because you can really party hearty!
What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!
What happened when the two angels got married?
They lived harpily ever after!
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love! |
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| akh098 |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:34 am Post subject: |
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Investing VP
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What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"
Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?
Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?
Because you can really party hearty!
What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!
What happened when the two angels got married?
They lived harpily ever after!
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love! |
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| NCSUPAGE |
| Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:36 am Post subject: |
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Investing Manager
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